I haven't written in a while, 25% because our laptop is out of commission (and I hate typing on our tablet, #firstworldproblem,) and 75% because I've been feeling like garbage because... I'm pregnant! I am so excited for this baby (it's a boy! Woot!) But this pregnancy has been really hard. Hard on me, hard on Brad, hard on Amelia. I'm pretty sure Baby Brother is just swimming in there oblivious to the havoc he has caused. I was miserably sick for the first twenty weeks with Amelia (and then again the last 8 weeks), but this pregnancy makes that look like a walk in the park. Nearly every day until week 23 was a fight to stay hydrated enough to keep out of the ER. That sounds very dramatic, and now that I'm starting to feel better I wonder if I exaggerated it, but I don't think so. It has been miserable. I still lose my breakfast almost every day, and occasionally another meal, too, but I don't throw up between meals anymore and that is a beautiful thing.
I pretty much gave up on life for a few months. My goal for every day was to keep my toddler and my baby alive and me out of the ER. Amelia and Brad ate a lot of burritos. I ate, well, whatever didn't make me gag, and what I knew wouldn't be miserable coming back up. Brad did all the laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, and bathing of the babe when he got home from work. I left the house for docor appointments and church if I was having a good day and that is it. Homesickness set in hard. I just wanted to be in Utah where my mom could come and take care of me. Brad and Lauren did a great job at taking care of me, but they both work full time and I just kept wishing for someone to stroke my hair and change all the diapers. Amelia did her very best at taking care of me. She was good at bringing me books to read to her while I laid on the couch or in bed, and patting my back and saying "Gross, gross!" while I threw up. Then she would get bored, shut the toilet lid on my head, and sign "All done!"
There have been lots of tears of frustration in the last few months and lots of guilt over not playing with my toddler, and not glowing with excitement over the precious life I get to carry. Baby Boy I love you so much, but I have not been able to feel all the excitement I wanted to feel. I have been too sick.
This will always be known to me as "The Summer of Sugar Cereal" because for the first time in our married life we gave up on being cheap and started buying cereal every week. (For anyone out there wondering, cereal is way easier to throw up then most other breakfast foods.) I don't know when we'll start having normal breakfasts again. Hopefully soon or we may all get scurvy.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, internet. Sometimes I just need to tell someone that life has been really hard for me, even when it's supposed to be so great.
