The Council for Worse Sleep

The Council for Worse Sleep, better known as the CWS, is a mysterious organization. With local chapters found in homes across the globe, their insidious scheming reduces both the quantity and the quality of sleep for mothers everywhere. Experts in the CWS have long believed that if you could just allow the head of the organization, an individual known as "Baby," to grow for a few months or a year the entire local chapter would fall. Recent reporting has found that this is not true. The CWS is simply getting better organized.

While "Baby" seems to be the most efficient member of the CWS, "Toddler," "Preschooler," and "Husband," seem to also be most effective. Experts agree that these three local members of CWS meet secretly to divvy out the responsibilities of waking Mom. Toddler prefers the two a.m. shift, waking Mom with cries of "Water!" and general cries of distress. Toddler's techniques include waking up every time Mom gets back in bed, pulling Mom's arm hairs out individually if she gives up and tries to sleep with him, and having explosive diarrhea. Preschooler prefers the five a.m. shift, but also enjoys the nap shift when it is available. Promising to have "quiet time" while Mom takes a quick nap, she wakes Mom up four times in a twenty minute period with existential questions about the meaning of life, requests for snacks, and the sudden realization that she needs to go potty. Husband seems innocent, assuring Mom that she can go sleep while he puts the kids down for a nap. As was previously agreed during the CWS meeting, he will promptly fall asleep before Preschooler and Toddler and the children will then wake their Mom. Husband also enjoys the 10 p.m. shift, starting an in depth, important conversation just as Mom closes her eyes.

The consequences of CWS are still being researched but it appears to shorten Mom's life span, reduce her capacity for patience, and cause feelings of Mom guilt for so resenting her own children. The CWS seem to avoid many consequences of their actions through general cuteness and perfectly timed hugs and kisses. Time will tell how the CWS organization will evolve but experts are concerned over a future member known as "Teenager."

Two suspected members of the CWS