The Summer of Sugar Cereal

I haven't written in a while, 25% because our laptop is out of commission  (and I hate typing on our tablet, #firstworldproblem,) and 75% because I've been feeling like garbage because... I'm pregnant! I am so excited for this baby (it's a boy! Woot!) But this pregnancy has been really hard. Hard on me, hard on Brad, hard on Amelia. I'm pretty sure Baby Brother is just swimming in there oblivious to the havoc he has caused. I was miserably sick for the first twenty weeks with Amelia (and then again the last 8 weeks), but this pregnancy makes that look like a walk in the park. Nearly every day until week 23 was a fight to stay hydrated enough to keep out of the ER. That sounds very dramatic, and now that I'm starting to feel better I wonder if I exaggerated it, but I don't think so. It has been miserable. I still lose my breakfast almost every day, and occasionally another meal, too, but I don't throw up between meals anymore and that is a beautiful thing.

I pretty much gave up on life for a few months. My goal for every day was to keep my toddler and my baby alive and me out of the ER. Amelia and Brad ate a lot of burritos. I ate, well, whatever didn't make me gag, and what I knew wouldn't be miserable coming back up. Brad did all the laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, and bathing of the babe when he got home from work. I left the house for docor appointments and church if I was having a good day and that is it. Homesickness set in hard. I just wanted to be in Utah where my mom could come and take care of me. Brad and Lauren did a great job at taking care of me, but they both work full time and I just kept wishing for someone to stroke my hair and change all the diapers. Amelia did her very best at taking care of me. She was good at bringing me books to read to her while I laid on the couch or in bed, and patting my back and saying "Gross, gross!" while I threw up. Then she would get bored, shut the toilet lid on my head, and sign "All done!"

There have been lots of tears of frustration in the last few months and lots of guilt over not playing with my toddler, and not glowing with excitement over the precious life I get to carry. Baby Boy I love you so much, but I have not been able to feel all the excitement I wanted to feel. I have been too sick.

This will always be known to me as "The Summer of Sugar Cereal" because for the first time in our married  life we gave up on being cheap and started buying cereal every week. (For anyone out there wondering, cereal is way easier to throw up then most other breakfast foods.) I don't know when we'll start having normal breakfasts again. Hopefully soon or we may all get scurvy.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, internet. Sometimes I just need to tell someone that life has been really hard for me, even when it's supposed to be so great.

Mother's Day Goals

Mother's Day is a hard day for a lot of women. It's a day of mourning for many- mourning for children lost or not yet born, mourning for mothers that have been lost to death or estrangement. I wish I could take away that pain for the women around me. I do pray for them every year on Mother's Day, praying for their comfort and for their hearts to heal. I wish I could do more. Maybe some day I'll figure it out.

Mother's Day is also hard for a lot of mothers because of the focus on "super-moms" who can do it all. That's a pity to me. Moms work so hard they really do deserve a day to focus on what they do well. No mom is perfect, but most do a fantastic job. To fight the temptation to compare and inevitably find myself lacking, I have decided to write a list every year on Mother's Day of things I feel like I am doing well. I want this day to be a happy one for me. So, here it is:

1. I share my love of reading with my daughter. We read books all day long. She reads them to herself, but mostly she brings them to me and Brad to read to her. Books are a constant in our lives and I love that. The library is one of our favorite places to visit.
2. I let her get dirty. It's important to me that she feels like she can explore and discover. It's part of being a toddler. I let her feed herself, even though it makes a huge mess. I let her play in the dirt even though it creates more laundry. She loves it.
   
3. I give lots of hugs, kisses, and snuggles. Physical affection is important and I offer it all day long.
4. I let her pick her own outfits. I don't have a great sense of style, and neither does she, but she has fun with it.

   

   This girl loves her panda pajamas and her butterfly sandals and often requests to wear them together. Why not. They're both pink, right?

5. I silly dance with her. We spend a lot of time every day turning on music and dancing until we drop. Her dance moves are much better than mine.
6. I work to maintain a good relationship with her daddy. I try to model healthy relationship behaviors for my daughter. I want her to see how a good marriage works, which means I have to keep improving ours.

   

   Not the best picture, we really struggled taking pictures last night. Amelia was not in the mood.

7. I call grandma every day and let her talk. It's hilarious to watch her gab to my mom. Neither of us have any idea what she's saying, but she has a lot to tell her grandma.

I am not a perfect mom, but I am trying and I'm getting better at it. I'm trying to show her by example that you don't have to be perfect to love yourself and that you can see imperfections without being overcome by shame. I'm working on that. Hopefully I'll be better next year.

Still working on this motherhood thing.

Apparently being held upside down is hilarious. Who knew.

What I Learned From Peter

My mom flew in this weekend to see my sister perform in the Mesa Easter Pageant. 

I'm so glad we went. And not just because it's good to support your family (Lauren was great!). I was reminded of a lot of important things. Most importantly, I was reminded of the reality that the Savior lives. That he lived and died and lived again for us.

While I was watching, I thought about how Peter and the other disciples didn't comprehend that Christ was going to be resurrected, despite all that they had been taught. It seems silly almost. You've been taught so much, but you don't even realize the magnitude of Christ's sacrifice. But then I thought, neither do I. I have been taught so much. I have been blessed to have the scriptures, modern day prophets, and many teachers who have preached to me of Christ, and I still don't get it all. I don't think I understand yet how powerful the atonement is. I'm working on it. 

In the mean time, I am grateful for what I do know, and that I can keep learning, now and for eternity.

Birthday/Anniversary Celebrations

On March 6, Lauren had her birthday. I've waxed cheesy about her before, so I will leave it at, "We love you, Lauren!" and move right along. We had my Aunt Meredith and Uncle Norm over for dinner and celebrations, which was so fun. I should have taken a picture, oh well. I also tried to make her favorite Lemon Poppy Seed Cake and it failed, so she bought herself a pie. It's the thought that counts, right?

On March 10, Brad and I celebrated our fourth anniversary. Brad had to work late and I served leftovers for dinner. We are, obviously, devastatingly good at romance.

Clearly this week needed more celebration, so the four of us went to the Phoenix Zoo. 

We loved it.

I've always loved the zoo, but this might be the best one I've seen.

This was Amelia's facial expression 99.9% of the time, totally fascinated.

There is a very similar picture of Brad on his dad's lap on a tractor at the Phoenix Zoo when he was about this age, so we had to recreate it.

She had very mixed feelings about petting the goats. At first, when Brad tried to get her to touch the goat, she cried. But then, after a while, she learned to try it.

Are you sure it's not going to eat me?

She had a hard time understanding why we wouldn't let her walk through the zoo. Maybe because you walk .25 mph hour sweetheart.

It's pretty tricky to see from a stroller.

Most of the time if the animal wasn't moving very much, it was invisible to her. (Part of why we call her the T-Rex.) But, she still loved the Lions.

Goals

I didn't make a large, numbered, organized list of News Years Resolutions this year. Shocking, I know. From about age 9 and on I had a habit of making a list of goals in a variety of areas: Physical Health, Spiritual Health, Time Management, Financial, etc. etc. Every year it turns into a long list of everything I wish I could change about myself, which makes me think about all of my faults, and I achieve a few goals, but not very many. Then I'm all sad the next year when I make my list because I write the exact same goals (5k I'm looking at you, buddy.)

Last summer I read  Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin. In the book she chooses one goal a month to work on, so she doesn't get overwhelmed by the onslaught of goals at the beginning of the year, and then adds another goal the next month. That is my new plan, and I think it's going better.

My January goal was to read my scriptures every day and write down something I have learned. Although I know how much better I feel and act when I regularly study the scriptures, it has been a habit that has come in and out too many times to count. Writing down something every time I study has totally changed the habit for a couple reasons. First, it's an easy way to keep track of how often I am actually achieving my habit, which keeps me accountable. Second, because I also wrote down the time of day I was studying, I realized that I almost never read my scriptures at night. I always have good intentions about reading before bed, I think I'll have more time and be more awake. But now I realize that I will just not do it. I will convince myself to do something "more fun" at that time of the day. It is morning or rarely at all.

My February goal was to get moving more often. Vague? Yes. But necessary. I am out of shape. I don't think I've actually been in shape for very long. I was running and doing yoga fairly often around this time last year but then my work hours went up and I didn't exercise at all. This month I decided to wake up with Brad, since he has to wake up pretty early to go to work, and immediately put on exercise clothes. It has been too dark for me to feel comfortable running outside, but I've done dance and stupid aerobic youtube videos. They may be cheesy, but they get me moving, which will hopefully help me be in shape? Hopefully. But, I have been pretty successful at maintaining the habit. (2016 is finally going to be the year of the 5k!)

My March goal is not to snack throughout the day. It is March 3 and I have failed every single day. :) Oops. I probably need to write things down, like for my January goal. Bah, humbug.

It All Begins With a Squeaky Wheel

Saturday morning I took a good hard look at Amelia's gums in an attempt to figure out why the whole week had been...less than ideal. There were three little molars barely poking through her gums. Three! Molars! In one week! This explains so much.

I realize that only a mother thinks that things like molars merit an entire blog post, but to me those little buggers affect everything at home. Amelia is the sun and I am her little planet orbiting around her. Let's extend the analogy and call molars asteroids. The sun is resilient and strong, she will withstand the molars. She will bounce back, sunny and happy. The planet is going to lose all intelligent life due to lack of sleep.

On Friday I took Amelia to run errands right after nap time, figuring a well-rested baby would handle the excursion better, but I made a fatal mistake. I went before lunch.

I should have known the whole thing would go wrong when we got a cart with a crazy wheel. Through the whole store the cart kept drifting right, right, right. I'm obviously a weakling because by the end of the trip my right bicep was aching with the effort to keep my cart from running down sweet old ladies and St. Patrick's Day displays. Amelia was entertained for a few minutes because I let her pick out a new toothbrush (I gave her two choices because I'm a superfun mom), and I let her hold it. Once she was done with her toothbrush, she wanted to get down and walk. We were almost done, and I couldn't keep track of her and steer the cart from heck. She started whining. I tried my best to talk in soothing tones. She started grabbing at her seat belt which came apart and then refused to clip back together. (Why is it that all Walmart cart seat belts are always broken?) The crying increased, she tried to stand up in the cart, I tried to use my forearm as a seat belt. Old men kept passing me and saying, "Oh, looks like the little sweetheart needs a nap." (Yes, there are a lot of elderly people at the grocery store because it is February and I live in Arizona.) I gave a weak smile and continued shopping. When it became clear that she was attempting to somersault out of the cart, I finally put her on the floor. She bee-lined it for a shelf full of little tiny jello packets and knocked an entire shelf to the floor. Cleaning up the jello, I ignored all the stares, picked her up (her screams intensified as she threw herself back and slapped my face repeatedly), and went to the checkout line.

The woman ahead of me in line let me go first. She told me she has six kids and she knows how I feel. While she unloaded my groceries she gave me tips on teething pain. Thank goodness for understanding moms everywhere.

Amelia kept crying through it all. Her face was all red and splotchy, just like mine gets when I sob too long. (Between my stinky feet, my splotchy face, and my cankles,
Amelia obviously won the genetic lottery.)

She saw a bird hopping across the parking lot on the way to the car, which made her start laughing. She gurgled the entire car ride, and, well, my face was a little splotchy by the time we got home.

Amelia's favorite thing to do when she's sad is to take selfies.

12 Month Collage

I took pictures every month with the same background with the same toys for an entire year. In other words, I am a successful mother. I even wrote in my journal every month about everything new Amelia was doing. I'm a hero. Of course, I didn't post all those things on my blog like I was going to try to do, but, oh well. 

This exercise was surprisingly difficult for me. I'm not a photographer. I have no skill when it comes to composing a beautiful picture. So why do I love the collage above so much? Because every picture contains my favorite tiny human. And while the above pictures are decent, most of the pictures looked more like...

Oh well.

What I love about the progression of pictures is being able to see how much she has changed. I feel like her features changed a lot in the first 3-4 months and since then she's just gotten bigger. You can also tell that she started crawling around nine months because that's when her face started to thin out (though I think it's filling back in since she eats like crazy.) Since her features have been pretty settled for the past several months, I have started imagining what she will look like as she gets older, which is a lot of fun. What she'll look like as a three year old, or her first day of school, or when she graduates from high school. I have a feeling that she will look like her Aunt Abby when she grows up, and that would please me to no end.