I know that a lot of mothers hate Mother's Day (including my own mother), but here on this blog that celebrates imperfection, I choose to celebrate it. Imperfection is an unavoidable characteristic of motherhood, and should be embraced.
As I now have a tiny baby of my own, I've though a lot lately about what makes a "good mom." Sometimes I hear, "good moms have a natural childbirth," or "good moms breastfeed," or "good moms stick to nap schedules," or "good moms feed their children organic vegetables." But the reverse of all of those are also true, "good moms have C-sections," "good moms use formula," "good moms feed their children fruit snacks they found in the couch cushions," etc.
Which brings me to my constant question:
How the heck do I know if I'm being a good mom????
I've found myself skipping naps when I could have slept, ignoring my violin because I'm afraid to leave a happy baby in a play pen, and getting up when I could have made my husband have a turn in the middle of the night; all to earn that elusive title of "good mom."
If I just try a little harder, do a little bit more, lose a little more sleep I can be a "good mom," right?
I've learned that there is no prize for the mom who sacrificed the most. Motherhood requires a lot of sacrifices, but giving up more than someone else does not make you a better mother. There is much more to it. It is not that simple.
With the four months of motherhood experience I have I've learned that I am a good mom when I practice forgiveness.
When I was a teenager, my mom and I had an argument. We had a lot in those years because I was, I completely admit, selfish, lazy, and hot-headed. (Okay, I still am all of those things, but I'm a little better.) A few hours later, I found a note from my mom apologizing for her part in the fight. She told me how much she loved and admired me and asked me to forgive her for getting angry. Though the cause of that fight is long forgotten, I am 99.999% sure that it was all my fault. She didn't have to apologize, but her humility meant the world to me.
I still have that note. I read it several times a year on those days that I need to remember the importance of asking for forgiveness.
Good mothers are not perfect. We all mess up, make mistakes, and adjust how we do things for our own abilities and experiences.
Good mothers forgive. They forgive their children. They forgive themselves.
Sometimes good mothers forget to forgive themselves for their imperfections. They get lost in the circular maze of guilt and the steep trail of their own expectations. That is why celebrating Mother's Day is important. It's a day to look past the imperfections.
Today, I turn to my mother and remind her of the depth of my love for her and that I am so grateful to her for everything she has taught and done for me.
Today, I look at my baby and apologize for feeling frustration when she woke up for the fifth time last night and for letting her fuss for a minute last week while I finished that chapter.
Today, I take a moment and remember that all these mothers I idealize (my mom, my mother-in-law, my Aunt Denise, my sister Brecklyn, my grandmothers, and many more) probably had bad days, too.
Stop wondering if you're a good mom (or a good dad, or a good sister, or a good friend.)
Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
And move on.
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