Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

I know this book came out years ago and everyone is pretty much over it,  but I just read it and want to tell everyone about it so be patient with me.

At the risk of people thinking that I am crazy I'll tell you that I loved this book. I think a lot of people missed the sarcasm in this book (or just read the excerpt that floated around the internet a few years ago.) I also think that many of the horrific anecdotes were exaggerated for dramatic and comic effect.

Yes, she is way too extreme but she has some good points about parenting. First,  that "nothing is fun until you're good at it." I often get prospective violin students who want to try violin for a week or a month to see if they like it. This hardly ever works. The first year (or two!) is very difficult and is not intrinsically fun. Once you get the basic technique,  then you can actually know if you like it. No one likes being bad at something. A lot of very valuable things take investments of time and hard work before they become enjoyable. There are some kids who like the challenge itself,  but not many,  and they shouldn't be the only kids who get the chance to play music at a high level.

Second, parents sometimes have to be the bad guys, so stop worrying about if your kids love you. This reminds me of when I was in high school and my mom would make me rewrite essays over and over until they were good enough. These weren't just the big, important term papers but the one page "My Goals for This Semester" essays as well. It drove me crazy. I thought she did it because she hated me or was punishing me or she thought that I was an idiot. (All of this reflects on my own teenage selfishness,  not the way my mother spoke to me.) Now I know that she just had high opinions of what I was capable of and wanted me to learn how to achieve that.

Which brings me to the next idea from the book that I really liked. Assume resilience and strength not weakness. I sometimes think that when we are overly concerned about someone's fragile self esteem they start worrying about it,  too, and start believing they are weak. Children and adults are often stronger than we think,  they can take justified criticism.  I actually think that constructive criticism can build self esteem more than empty praise

There are a few overarching ideas about Chinese parenting (as Amy Chua defines it) that I don't agree with. I think you can absolutely have high standards for your children without being cruel. Name-calling and shaming to get your child to practice are inappropriate. The kinder approach is harder, and takes more creativity, but is absolutely worth it.

There is also no room in this parenting model to deal with failure,  which is a huge problem. Adults fail constantly and if they don't learn to deal with it in childhood in healthy ways it can be devastating. I want my child to participate in activities she isn't naturally good at (for me this was sports) so she learns that a) she doesn't have to be the best at everything, b) how to handle failure emotionally, and c) how to work to improve.

The last thing I want to write about (bonus points if you are still reading), is how interesting I think the reaction to this book is. I read this book as someone who was admitting to a huge flaw (overreaction and anger) in a brave way. Why is it popular on the blogosphere to admit to being real by posting pictures of a dirty house,  pouting children,  and a face free of makeup but anything deeper is met with horror? This idea is enough for a whole post,  but think about it for awhile. Why are superficial flaws so appealing to talk about it and deep weaknesses are so uncomfortable?

Rant over.