Finding Fall

It's cool enough now that I don't roast as soon as I walk outside. Arizona's now set more to a slow cook setting, more appropriate to walks and going to the park. Still, I've been feeling a little sad to be missing out on my favorite time of year. I've been aching to curl up on the couch with a cozy blanket and a good book. I'm just so sick of wearing shorts. Because they love me, Lauren and Brad helped me go in search of fall over the weekend. We got jackets out of storage and drove to Sedona and Flagstaff. 

Maybe it's strange that I missed the feeling of the tip of my nose slowly freezing, but I did. It was nice to step on some crunchy leaves. Even if it involved hours and hours in the car.

Riding on a boat. Obviously.

Lauren is always so nice to let Amelia play with her hair. I am not that nice.

Having a deep conversation.

All three of them loved standing next to the jeep trail and watching them go past. Amelia waved at each driver and shouted "Hello!" They all waved back.

Epiphany No. 1: Gratitude

(I write Epiphany No. 1 in the hopes that this is a series of blog posts about what I learn in my daily life, but, who knows? This may never happen again.)

I used to believe that stress and anxiety was necessary to show myself, my parents, and the world that I cared deeply about something. My education was important to me, so obviously I had to agonize about my grades to the point of nausea everyday. I wanted to obey the commandments, be kind, modest, and generally have a good relationship with God, so obviously the answer to any sin or slip up was to rack myself with guilt. I wanted to be responsible with my money, so I agonized over every single purchase until I just didn't buy anything at all. This attitude made my adolescence miserable. I wouldn't even really allow myself to feel happy because that meant I didn't care enough about improving myself. Or so I thought.

Early on in my young adulthood I learned that these thoughts were not helping me accomplish anything and were making me feel physically ill. I have, with much difficulty, taught myself to stop thinking that way (most of the time.) But I knew that I was still missing a piece of the puzzle. My adolescent guilty, miserable, anxious heart was in the right place. I wanted to work hard and do good things. I wanted to show my priorities in my actions, and not just think about them. I wanted to not only stop my anxious thoughts but replace them with something better, but I did not know what.

Yesterday, it hit me.

A simple thought that hit my gut with such force, I knew it was a gift. Replace it with gratitude. Anxiety and guilt do not show that I care about something deeply, gratitude does. My worry about money and finances? I can feel grateful for the money and security we do have, that we are in a place where we can make choices about our money, and we aren't burdened by our debt. Worry about being a good enough parent? I choose gratitude for my children and their sweetness,  grateful that I love them, and that I have resources to help me improve my parenting skills. Worry about my failings, sins, and shortcoming? I can feel gratitude for a belief in repentance and the Savior's atonement.

While worry and anxiety freeze me with fear, gratitude leads me to action. As I contemplate the things I am grateful for, I feel motivated to cultivate and care for them. I want to improve the skills I gained in college because of my gratitude for my education. I want to spend time with and express love to my family because I feel gratitude for them. I even clean the bathroom because I am grateful to have a nice place to live.

There are cases of anxiety where gratitude is not enough, where seeking professional help and possibly medication is the only way you can choose happiness for a little while. But for all the everyday stress and anxiety, there is a simple answer. Practice gratitude.

I know that I did not come up with this idea. It's been preached to me my whole life by people wiser than I, but I think I am finally coming to the understanding of how indispensable it is in daily life. It's not just nice to be grateful, it's essential.

Two of the three people that monopolize my worry, cough, cough, I mean gratitude.

Third Quarter 2017 Reflection

The year continues to speed by. I am grateful that I can take the time to reflect on my goals and what I have done for the past few months because I think by October I typically have lost steam for all goals. It's almost the holidays and at this point I should just hunker down and wait to make new goals in January, right? No! I don't have to. I can try to live my life with more purpose. So, in honor of living my life with purpose, here is my reflection of the third quarter.

Highlights of July-September:

Delaney's visit was so fun. We all loved having her here.
Visiting Utah was wonderful and too short. We miss our families!
Hand, Foot, and Mouth- mild for Tommy, so bad for Amelia.
Service September- prayed for opportunities to serve and all of a sudden they were plentiful! It was a great experience, and I want to make it an annual thing.
Tommy is walking so well!

Notable Reads:

The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill

This was such a delightful, magical middle reader. I am so excited to read it to Tommy and Amelia in a few years. It was everything I love in a book like this, managing to combine depth and whimsy.

Funny in Farsi by Firoozeh Dumas

A hilarious and fun memoir. I would highly recommend this one.

Landline by Rainbow Rowell

I was pleasantly surprised by this one. I thought it was an interesting look back at the start of a marriage. Some content and language warnings, not for everyone.

The Hiding Place by Corie Ten Boom

I finally got around to reading this book, and I liked it, but not quite as much as I expected to for some reason. I will reread it though, as I expect it's the kind of book that affects you differently at different times in your life. My biggest takeaway was the idea that you cannot allow yourself any evil just because you are surrounded by a worse evil.

Hum If You Don't Know the Words by Bianca Marais

This book did an amazing job of jumping perspectives back and forth from a ten year old white girl to a middle aged black woman living in South Africa. Only read if you are prepared for many tears.

My name is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout

An interesting structure that I'm not sure I loved. I did adore the richness of the characters, though, and overall liked the writing. I think I liked Anything Is Possible even a little bit more.

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche

Loved everything about it except the love story. So everything but the first and last chapter pretty much. This book did a good job of helping me step into a life experience that is very different from my own. It was eye opening. Content and language warnings.

I Know How She Does It by Laura Vanderkam

This book on time management had a lot of good ideas and perspectives, but in the end it fell a little flat for me. I felt like her answer to too many things was just to hire it out, which only works for a small percentage of the population. Still, it was a good reminder to account for all seven days of your five and not get into the trap of thinking a productive week is only five days long.

Middlemarch by George Eliot

My new favorite book. I want to read it again and again. Totally worth all those pages. I love books where the community is so rich it becomes a character all of its own and this fits that bill precisely. I could not stop writing down quotes. So well written.

Cousin Bette by Honore de Balzac

Despite having the bleakest, most depressing subject matter, I was actually surprised by how much I got out of this book. I would not have read it if not for book club, and I have no desire to read it again, but it was interesting. I disagree with the author on a lot of his views, but it was interesting to read anyway.

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on It by Chris Voss

This is one to read again until I can memorize it. Although meant to teach you how to negotiate well, it gave me lots of good ideas of how to communicate better with the people around me.

And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

So delightfully creepy, and it was read by Dan Stevens, which made it all the better.

H is for Hawk by Helen MacDonald

This book took me awhile to get through because the subject matter was so heavy, but I enjoyed it all. The author was able to intertwine the stories of her grief over her father's death, training her goshawk, and her interest in the author T.H. White. I definitely want to read more from this author.

Notable Eats:

Lentil Pulled Pork Sandwiches- Am I the weirdest because I make "pulled pork" out of lentils? Yes, I am. Did everyone eat it and enjoy it anyway? Yes, they did.

Southwest Cobb Salad- I'm picky about my main dish salads, but this was amazing.

Skillet Turkey Meatballs and Lemon Rice- Combining my love of lemon and one skillet meals, I have put this on the menu plan more than once. 

Buttermilk Chocolate Cake- One does not need another chocolate cake recipe. This is the one. It's fate. This chocolate cake was meant to be part of your life. I would marry it, but I'm already married.

Burst Tomato Galette with Corn and Zucchini- The galette is awesome and wonderful, but if you are not in the mood for the work of a pie crust, find another way to get the filling into your belly because it is delicious.

Skillet Pasta with Broccoli and Sun-dried Tomatoes- Have I mentioned that I love one skillet meals? Because I really, really do.

Balsamic Glazed Pork- Tasted a little more teriyaki-y than I was expecting, but that could be because I buy cheap Balsamic. Still, it was tasty, I just would serve it with something more Asian inspired than I did.

Goal Updates:

I really worked hard in September to try to connect more with our ward with inviting people over for playdates or dinner and it was HARD for me, but it was so good. I am even more convinced that I can love living here. There are so many good people that I can make friends with if I just put in some effort.

Children Updates:

We keep asking Amelia if she wants to potty train and she always says, "I'm not ready." We'll work on it. She is playing more with Tommy, insisting on doing everything herself, and is getting funnier and funnier. She cracks me up every day.

Tommy is walking and climbing everywhere! He gets into everything, but his face when I say, "Tommy, no!" is the cutest. He has just started to bring me books to read to him, so clearly he knows the way to his mother's heart.