Epiphany No. 1: Gratitude

(I write Epiphany No. 1 in the hopes that this is a series of blog posts about what I learn in my daily life, but, who knows? This may never happen again.)

I used to believe that stress and anxiety was necessary to show myself, my parents, and the world that I cared deeply about something. My education was important to me, so obviously I had to agonize about my grades to the point of nausea everyday. I wanted to obey the commandments, be kind, modest, and generally have a good relationship with God, so obviously the answer to any sin or slip up was to rack myself with guilt. I wanted to be responsible with my money, so I agonized over every single purchase until I just didn't buy anything at all. This attitude made my adolescence miserable. I wouldn't even really allow myself to feel happy because that meant I didn't care enough about improving myself. Or so I thought.

Early on in my young adulthood I learned that these thoughts were not helping me accomplish anything and were making me feel physically ill. I have, with much difficulty, taught myself to stop thinking that way (most of the time.) But I knew that I was still missing a piece of the puzzle. My adolescent guilty, miserable, anxious heart was in the right place. I wanted to work hard and do good things. I wanted to show my priorities in my actions, and not just think about them. I wanted to not only stop my anxious thoughts but replace them with something better, but I did not know what.

Yesterday, it hit me.

A simple thought that hit my gut with such force, I knew it was a gift. Replace it with gratitude. Anxiety and guilt do not show that I care about something deeply, gratitude does. My worry about money and finances? I can feel grateful for the money and security we do have, that we are in a place where we can make choices about our money, and we aren't burdened by our debt. Worry about being a good enough parent? I choose gratitude for my children and their sweetness,  grateful that I love them, and that I have resources to help me improve my parenting skills. Worry about my failings, sins, and shortcoming? I can feel gratitude for a belief in repentance and the Savior's atonement.

While worry and anxiety freeze me with fear, gratitude leads me to action. As I contemplate the things I am grateful for, I feel motivated to cultivate and care for them. I want to improve the skills I gained in college because of my gratitude for my education. I want to spend time with and express love to my family because I feel gratitude for them. I even clean the bathroom because I am grateful to have a nice place to live.

There are cases of anxiety where gratitude is not enough, where seeking professional help and possibly medication is the only way you can choose happiness for a little while. But for all the everyday stress and anxiety, there is a simple answer. Practice gratitude.

I know that I did not come up with this idea. It's been preached to me my whole life by people wiser than I, but I think I am finally coming to the understanding of how indispensable it is in daily life. It's not just nice to be grateful, it's essential.

Two of the three people that monopolize my worry, cough, cough, I mean gratitude.