Finding Fall

It's cool enough now that I don't roast as soon as I walk outside. Arizona's now set more to a slow cook setting, more appropriate to walks and going to the park. Still, I've been feeling a little sad to be missing out on my favorite time of year. I've been aching to curl up on the couch with a cozy blanket and a good book. I'm just so sick of wearing shorts. Because they love me, Lauren and Brad helped me go in search of fall over the weekend. We got jackets out of storage and drove to Sedona and Flagstaff. 

Maybe it's strange that I missed the feeling of the tip of my nose slowly freezing, but I did. It was nice to step on some crunchy leaves. Even if it involved hours and hours in the car.

Riding on a boat. Obviously.

Lauren is always so nice to let Amelia play with her hair. I am not that nice.

Having a deep conversation.

All three of them loved standing next to the jeep trail and watching them go past. Amelia waved at each driver and shouted "Hello!" They all waved back.

Epiphany No. 1: Gratitude

(I write Epiphany No. 1 in the hopes that this is a series of blog posts about what I learn in my daily life, but, who knows? This may never happen again.)

I used to believe that stress and anxiety was necessary to show myself, my parents, and the world that I cared deeply about something. My education was important to me, so obviously I had to agonize about my grades to the point of nausea everyday. I wanted to obey the commandments, be kind, modest, and generally have a good relationship with God, so obviously the answer to any sin or slip up was to rack myself with guilt. I wanted to be responsible with my money, so I agonized over every single purchase until I just didn't buy anything at all. This attitude made my adolescence miserable. I wouldn't even really allow myself to feel happy because that meant I didn't care enough about improving myself. Or so I thought.

Early on in my young adulthood I learned that these thoughts were not helping me accomplish anything and were making me feel physically ill. I have, with much difficulty, taught myself to stop thinking that way (most of the time.) But I knew that I was still missing a piece of the puzzle. My adolescent guilty, miserable, anxious heart was in the right place. I wanted to work hard and do good things. I wanted to show my priorities in my actions, and not just think about them. I wanted to not only stop my anxious thoughts but replace them with something better, but I did not know what.

Yesterday, it hit me.

A simple thought that hit my gut with such force, I knew it was a gift. Replace it with gratitude. Anxiety and guilt do not show that I care about something deeply, gratitude does. My worry about money and finances? I can feel grateful for the money and security we do have, that we are in a place where we can make choices about our money, and we aren't burdened by our debt. Worry about being a good enough parent? I choose gratitude for my children and their sweetness,  grateful that I love them, and that I have resources to help me improve my parenting skills. Worry about my failings, sins, and shortcoming? I can feel gratitude for a belief in repentance and the Savior's atonement.

While worry and anxiety freeze me with fear, gratitude leads me to action. As I contemplate the things I am grateful for, I feel motivated to cultivate and care for them. I want to improve the skills I gained in college because of my gratitude for my education. I want to spend time with and express love to my family because I feel gratitude for them. I even clean the bathroom because I am grateful to have a nice place to live.

There are cases of anxiety where gratitude is not enough, where seeking professional help and possibly medication is the only way you can choose happiness for a little while. But for all the everyday stress and anxiety, there is a simple answer. Practice gratitude.

I know that I did not come up with this idea. It's been preached to me my whole life by people wiser than I, but I think I am finally coming to the understanding of how indispensable it is in daily life. It's not just nice to be grateful, it's essential.

Two of the three people that monopolize my worry, cough, cough, I mean gratitude.

Third Quarter 2017 Reflection

The year continues to speed by. I am grateful that I can take the time to reflect on my goals and what I have done for the past few months because I think by October I typically have lost steam for all goals. It's almost the holidays and at this point I should just hunker down and wait to make new goals in January, right? No! I don't have to. I can try to live my life with more purpose. So, in honor of living my life with purpose, here is my reflection of the third quarter.

Highlights of July-September:

Delaney's visit was so fun. We all loved having her here.
Visiting Utah was wonderful and too short. We miss our families!
Hand, Foot, and Mouth- mild for Tommy, so bad for Amelia.
Service September- prayed for opportunities to serve and all of a sudden they were plentiful! It was a great experience, and I want to make it an annual thing.
Tommy is walking so well!

Notable Reads:

The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill

This was such a delightful, magical middle reader. I am so excited to read it to Tommy and Amelia in a few years. It was everything I love in a book like this, managing to combine depth and whimsy.

Funny in Farsi by Firoozeh Dumas

A hilarious and fun memoir. I would highly recommend this one.

Landline by Rainbow Rowell

I was pleasantly surprised by this one. I thought it was an interesting look back at the start of a marriage. Some content and language warnings, not for everyone.

The Hiding Place by Corie Ten Boom

I finally got around to reading this book, and I liked it, but not quite as much as I expected to for some reason. I will reread it though, as I expect it's the kind of book that affects you differently at different times in your life. My biggest takeaway was the idea that you cannot allow yourself any evil just because you are surrounded by a worse evil.

Hum If You Don't Know the Words by Bianca Marais

This book did an amazing job of jumping perspectives back and forth from a ten year old white girl to a middle aged black woman living in South Africa. Only read if you are prepared for many tears.

My name is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout

An interesting structure that I'm not sure I loved. I did adore the richness of the characters, though, and overall liked the writing. I think I liked Anything Is Possible even a little bit more.

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche

Loved everything about it except the love story. So everything but the first and last chapter pretty much. This book did a good job of helping me step into a life experience that is very different from my own. It was eye opening. Content and language warnings.

I Know How She Does It by Laura Vanderkam

This book on time management had a lot of good ideas and perspectives, but in the end it fell a little flat for me. I felt like her answer to too many things was just to hire it out, which only works for a small percentage of the population. Still, it was a good reminder to account for all seven days of your five and not get into the trap of thinking a productive week is only five days long.

Middlemarch by George Eliot

My new favorite book. I want to read it again and again. Totally worth all those pages. I love books where the community is so rich it becomes a character all of its own and this fits that bill precisely. I could not stop writing down quotes. So well written.

Cousin Bette by Honore de Balzac

Despite having the bleakest, most depressing subject matter, I was actually surprised by how much I got out of this book. I would not have read it if not for book club, and I have no desire to read it again, but it was interesting. I disagree with the author on a lot of his views, but it was interesting to read anyway.

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on It by Chris Voss

This is one to read again until I can memorize it. Although meant to teach you how to negotiate well, it gave me lots of good ideas of how to communicate better with the people around me.

And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

So delightfully creepy, and it was read by Dan Stevens, which made it all the better.

H is for Hawk by Helen MacDonald

This book took me awhile to get through because the subject matter was so heavy, but I enjoyed it all. The author was able to intertwine the stories of her grief over her father's death, training her goshawk, and her interest in the author T.H. White. I definitely want to read more from this author.

Notable Eats:

Lentil Pulled Pork Sandwiches- Am I the weirdest because I make "pulled pork" out of lentils? Yes, I am. Did everyone eat it and enjoy it anyway? Yes, they did.

Southwest Cobb Salad- I'm picky about my main dish salads, but this was amazing.

Skillet Turkey Meatballs and Lemon Rice- Combining my love of lemon and one skillet meals, I have put this on the menu plan more than once. 

Buttermilk Chocolate Cake- One does not need another chocolate cake recipe. This is the one. It's fate. This chocolate cake was meant to be part of your life. I would marry it, but I'm already married.

Burst Tomato Galette with Corn and Zucchini- The galette is awesome and wonderful, but if you are not in the mood for the work of a pie crust, find another way to get the filling into your belly because it is delicious.

Skillet Pasta with Broccoli and Sun-dried Tomatoes- Have I mentioned that I love one skillet meals? Because I really, really do.

Balsamic Glazed Pork- Tasted a little more teriyaki-y than I was expecting, but that could be because I buy cheap Balsamic. Still, it was tasty, I just would serve it with something more Asian inspired than I did.

Goal Updates:

I really worked hard in September to try to connect more with our ward with inviting people over for playdates or dinner and it was HARD for me, but it was so good. I am even more convinced that I can love living here. There are so many good people that I can make friends with if I just put in some effort.

Children Updates:

We keep asking Amelia if she wants to potty train and she always says, "I'm not ready." We'll work on it. She is playing more with Tommy, insisting on doing everything herself, and is getting funnier and funnier. She cracks me up every day.

Tommy is walking and climbing everywhere! He gets into everything, but his face when I say, "Tommy, no!" is the cutest. He has just started to bring me books to read to him, so clearly he knows the way to his mother's heart.

Parenting Luck

Who passes out the parenting luck? Who decides who gets the good sleepers, the easy labors, the self-motivated potty trainers? Can I have some more?

I've had my tricky things; my hours of pushing, my breastfeeding difficulties, my sleepless hours. It's my turn to have a little bit of magical parenting dust sprinkled on this messy house. Hey, fairy godmother, forget the shoes, can I have sleeping babies? How about blessing a little minion of mine with some potty training motivation? Or, maybe, just maybe could you turn 5-7 p.m. into magic hour instead of witching hour?

No?

Really?

You mean every parent has some easy things, some tricky things?

Oh, you're saying I'm actually pretty lucky to have it as easy as I do?

Okay, I can see your point.

They are pretty magical.

Showing off the blackberry she found in the bushes.

25 Things Learned in 25 Years

I remember imagining as a child what I would be like, and everything I would know when I graduated from high school. And then I graduated and realized I was still clueless. It was a big disappointment. Since then I've realized that there will never be a point where I have it all figured out. However, through some sometimes painful lessons in my quarter century of life, I have learned a few things.

Some of these are silly. Some of these are serious. All of these are ideas that help me live my day to day life.

25 Things Learned in 25 Years

1. It's not about me. If people treat me unkindly, than it is probably something going on in their life, not mine.
2. It's easier to change my plan than to have no plan at all.
3. People are more important than things. I have to remember that it is always worth it to be generous with my time and resources and if some thing (e.g. researching the perfect stroller, some belonging being stolen) is stressing me to the point where I am not enjoying my people, I need to take a step back.
4. Failure is simply a step on the path to success. Better to fail than to be frozen. You learn by doing.
5. It is better to apologize than to be right.
6. Talent counts. Hard work counts twice. Working smart counts thrice.(Paraphrased from Grit by Angela Duckworth)
7. Everything seems better when you've taken a ten minute walk.
8. No relationship in my life is so frayed it cannot be fixed with love and prayer.
9. I hate wearing clothes that don't fit well.
10. I am kinder, more energized, and healthier when I take care of my body by drinking crazy amounts of water, eating fruits and vegetables, and moving every day.
11. God hears my prayers.
12. When times are hard, God doesn't change the circumstance, he changes me.
13. Having fun takes a lot of work, especially when you have children.
14. Even though I'm an introvert, having a sense of community is essential.
15. I can learn how to do anything. I am not incapable of simple tasks.
16. Ignoring my limitations keeps them in my path, tripping me up constantly. Recognizing my limitations allows me to either work around them or work on them.
17. Constant self-criticism does not protect me from the criticism of others, so why waste my time?
18. Ask for what I need, people are usually happy to help me if they can.
19. Friends don't need to be in the same stage of life, have the same hobbies, or live around the corner to be valuable friends.
20. It's much easier to plan on doing things every day (even if it doesn't work out), than to plan on most or some days.
21. The easiest way to clean my house is to not have a lot of stuff.
22. Life comes in seasons. Chances are the thing that is driving you crazy will be different in just a few years.
23. The best way to listen is to stop talking.
24. Reading books, playing my violin, and going on walks are more relaxing and energizing than facebook, watching tv, or even, occasionally, than taking a nap.
25. I know nothing. Every time I start to think that I have things figured out, I learn something that challenges that idea.

Love Where You Live

Two weeks ago, while hiking with my dad, Tommy, and Brad in Bryce Canyon National Park, we talked to a very kind family from The Netherlands. My dad, being much more well-traveled than I am, said, "Your country is so beautiful!" The mother of the family gestured around us, and said, "My country is beautiful? Your country is beautiful! We do not have anything like this!"

I stopped to look around for a moment. I had been enjoying the scenery, but all of a sudden I was stunned by it. I don't think the U.S. is more beautiful than The Netherlands (I've seen pictures, it's amazing), but it is jaw-droppingly, breathtakingly beautiful. I forgot how amazing Bryce and Zion National Park are because I had been there multiple times. But, my repeated visits hadn't worn out their beauty, it only made me less observant of it.

I've been thinking more about that principle since then. Too often I spend my time wishing for some experience, circumstance, or scenery different from my own (I am particularly prone to travel envy). I keep forgetting how beautiful my life is, simply because I've grown accustomed to it. I have become complacent about my blessings.

Not Bryce Canyon National Park, it's Cedar Breaks National Monument, but still pretty great.

Second Quarter 2017 Review

April through June were pretty great overall. We got to visit family, go on a camping trip to the Chiricahua Mountains, and spend a lot of fun time together. There was also croup and a subsequent ER trip, pink eye and a subsequent Urgent Care trip, and lots of colds, but I don't really like to think about that anymore. We are done with being sick, for the entire year!

Yup, I'm pretty sure I just jinxed myself.

Moving right along

.

One of the highlights of the last few months was turning 25. Quarter of a century, baby. It's pretty great.

Notable Reads:

Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns

This book had so many things I loved; an introspective narrator, a vibrant setting, and a strong and quirky family. 

Grit by Angela Duckworth

I only buy books I think I will reread and reread. This book shot to the top of my to buy list. If I could highlight the whole book, I would.

Huck Finn by Mark Twain

I loved it even more than I remember loving it in high school. Mark Twain is a genius, you heard it here, folks.

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles

A great historical fiction populated with delightful characters and lots to think about. Some mild content warnings for sensitive readers.

The Brothers K by David James Duncan

I am hesitant to include this even though I thought it was a great book because it had a lot of language that made me blush. But, I just really love novels about dysfunctional families, historical settings I don't know a lot about, and really long books. This fits that bill. It reminded me of a grown up, much more serious Okay for Now by Gary Schmidt. If you want a book about a dysfunctional families set during the Vietnam War but are wary of the content, read Okay for Now. It's amazing. And so is The Brothers K, but it would not be amazing for everyone.

Echoes by Maeve Binchy

I had a hard time setting this one down because I felt so invested in the characters. I'm not sure this would be appeal to many of my friends and family even though I mostly liked it. The first 75% was amazing, the last 25% was horribly depressing.

The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown 

I'm not the first person to compare it to Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand (which I liked a bit better), but it's an apt comparison. I liked it quite a bit.

The Mothers by Brit Bennett

I thought it was incredibly well written with well-crafted characters, but I just cannot handle stories with adultery and abortion as major plot points. I thought she handled those subjects well, but oof, I was emotionally exhausted at the end.

Book of Joy by Dalai Lama XIV, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Carlton Abrams 

I wish that I had taken notes on this closer to when I listened to it, because I have forgotten a lot of what I loved. My big takeaways: gratitude, compassion, forgiveness, and spirituality are necessary for joy.

Mosquitoland by David Arnold 

Good YA. I don't really have much more to say about it than that. I enjoyed it and anyone who likes this genre most likely would as well. 

Bomb: The Race to Build-and Steal-the World's Most Dangerous Weapon by Steve Sheinken (audio)

Interesting look into a segment of history I only knew vaguely. Also depressing. I've been praying a lot more lately for the wisdom of political leaders across the globe since reading this. Please don't blow us all to oblivion. 

Notable Eats:

Dry Rub Chicken- Brad's favorite meal of the summer, or 2017, or of our married life, I'm not quite sure.

BBQ Chicken Salad Bowls- I could eat the dressing straight by spoon and Amelia eats all the parts of the salad except the lettuce. Win.

Takeout Style Sesame Noodles- My favorite meal of the summer. Easy, minimal heat, awesome.

Strawberry and Rhubarb Pie- Where has rhubarb been all my life? This pie needs to become an annual tradition.

Cherry Brown Butter Bars- I took them out too early, Brad reheated the oven an hour later, almost burned them, and they still tasted good. I count that as a miracle.

Sour Cream Bran Muffins- Tastier than a bran muffin has any right to be.

Key Lime Pie Popsicles- Oh my deliciousness. Best popsicles of my life.

Goal Updates:

I really am starting to feel much more at home here. It always surprises me what triggers that feeling of I belong here. It's often the littlest things- being able to have a general idea of where something is when someone says what streets it's near, when grocery store cashiers recognize me, making new traditions. I am definitely not done with my goals to love it here, but I have come to the realization that I think, with some effort on my part, I could learn to love anywhere.

Children Updates:

Amelia is all of a sudden talking up a storm. I am coming to realize that this girl only does things on her timetable, when she feels ready. She went from refusing to say much beyond the necessary nouns to make her wants known to full sentences. This new found communication means temper tantrums are much less frequent (hallelujah!!!) and we can enjoy her sense of humor and cuteness even more.

Tommy is officially crawling and eating everything in sight. He is tall, chubby, and all around huge, already wearing 18-24 month size clothes. He is such a lovey baby, giving everyone hugs and kisses all day.

Check out those jowls.